UPDATE: If it isn’t obvious, Carnival Season is over. It’s now Lent, so you should be depriving yourself. Try again next year!
Okay, I am now able to offer Homemade Authentic King Cakes to those of you living out of the Austin Area! If you are in Austin, of course, I can deliver one to your door! If you are living outside of Austin and still crave a cinnamon and sugary, butter-briochety, Mardi Gras fabulous King Cake lovingly fashioned by the two hands of YOURS TRULY, then listen up!
I can ship them priority mail for $10.00! Each one gets its own cute USPS box and everything! If you live out of town, and want to pay by PayPal, hit the buttons underneath what size you would like:
This post should function as sort of a catchall cover letter. I am hoping that someone I know will read it and think “Oh wow, we were just talking about how we needed someone to do this job and Christine would be perfect for it!” Yes, today, I am an optimist.
As many of you know, I do have a Masters’ Degree in British Literature. I wrote a fifty page thesis, which is a testament to my organizational skills, editing skills, and ability to produce work to the specifications set by a committee. I also have an extensive IT background, including a period of time spent as a one-woman small business, where I provided IT solutions for individuals and companies.
The upshot is that I am flexible and capable of performing a variety of functions. I can work well with a group of people, but I can also take initiative and make decisions within the scope of said initiative. Research? No problem. I spent years doing research and I enjoy it. My experience as both a student and a teacher means that I can find information, process that information, and present it in almost any format you wish. I can learn, and I can learn quickly.
I am also perfect for any position in which it is essential to see the larger picture. Often, operations are interrupted when one department doesn’t realize that the company functions as a whole, not just as a loose grouping of departments. I like to see how the different parts of a company function together, even if some departments don’t directly affect me, so I am always aware of my part in the greater scheme of things.
As for concrete qualifications, I have advanced computer and IT skills, including Windows, Linux, and Mac experience. I am familiar with small business networking and internet applications, workstations, and peripherals. I am also experienced with a variety of software applications, including the Microsoft Office Suite and Star Office. I have produced websites and technical manuals, and I have created and implemented ten week and full-semester syllabuses. I can evaluate groups of people using exams and assignments, both in person or using online educational software. I can organize information for legal trial preparation, and I have helped with billing and also with implementing an office filing system. I am comfortable with speaking in front of groups of people, and as an educator I had to assume a position of authority.
Please contact me if you feel that I could benefit your company or business with any of these skills. I am available full-time, part-time or on a contract basis. If you need an office coordinator, corporate trainer or someone to brush your employees up on business writing, I’m your woman. If you need a network administrator, legal assistant, or Master’s level editor, look no further. If you have a position that defies description but calls for professionalism, organization, and communications skills, definitely give me a call. I would love to talk to you about how we could help your business together!
Having karmatically been struck down with the cootie-virus of death, I remain confined to this dwelling indefinitely. Note to self: whining, while it may be satisfying at the time, is annoying and will surely have consequences. Fracture of right metatarsal is improved, but remains an inconvenience. Feline companion seems sympathetic and condescends to give me her time in between stalking and killing plastic lizards. Male companion, who seems to have been the point of origin for the disease, is somewhat improved. He is also solicitous and has provided me with clear fluids and treats as necessary.
I leave this account in hopes that in the case of our demise we may be remembered. We leave no progeny, and perhaps it is a blessing that they do not suffer the same terrible fate. Should we survive, these pages will serve as an account of our trials and a reminder to take nothing for granted. Good night, and God save us all.
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*laughs and laughs and laughs*
I couldn’t even type the entire piece with a straight face! And I’m full of cough medicine and nearly immobile! I think there’s something wrong with me, and it ain’t this cootie.
Sometimes all you need is to throw a good tantrum and get a few hours sleep. Well, I threw a verbal tantrum, which is sort of like a tantrum. But maybe those screaming little kids in department stores know something we don’t. And maybe those proverbial monkeys will fly out of my posterior.
In any case, life ain’t so bad. The hubby is feeling a bit better, and if I don’t end up getting to the store, I have bratwurst, pumpernickel, and beer. We could have German food night!
My husband and my kitty both love me and are sitting on the couch with me as I write this. I have more than four-and-a-half friends, who all rock hardcore and who take time to comfort me AND make fun of me. I know how to make delicious beer, even by experienced beermaker’s standards. I figured out that if I toss the laundry down the stairs, it allows me to hang on to the banister while descending and then pick up the clothes again! I have somewhat of an excuse to sit on the couch, which was one of my favorite spots until I was confined to it. I’m gonna brew beer and make spent grain bread tomorrow or the next day! I might actually get my house totally deep cleaned if I keep doing bits of it at a time, and face it, cleaning house wasn’t on the top of my priority list before I had to sit in it all the time. So yeah, I got reasons to be cheerful.
My pity party was awesome, though. Everyone who was anyone was there.
So what’s the big idea, Christine? Why the self-pity party?
Well, Non-specific Writing-Persona Addressee, we haven’t really had a pity party like this since Katrina.
Does that mean you’re gonna wig out completely in a year like you did after Katrina?
Um, no, Non-specific Writing-Persona Addressee, that was post-traumatic stress. This is just a normal pity party. Have some perspective. Sheesh. You’re such an alarmist.
Yes, I am whiny. Yes, I am pissed off for no reason. Yes, I am overreacting, and I don’t give a good goddamn. I have been mostly stranded in the house since we got back from X-mas. My husband, aside from telling me what I am going to do and what I am not going to do (I am proving him right by not going to bed, by the way) also has the cootie-virus of death and could die any minute now. Ok, he said finally that he was feeling better, and I am a worse patient than he is, so I can’t really say anything, can I?
But yeah, he’s out of commission, so basically, it’s me, in a giant weird Frankenstein contraption trying to figure out how to bring soup and drinks up the stairs at the same time without busting my ass or tripping over the cat or something. Last time I had a major broken bone (high school) I had people to take me to the movies and call me and stuff. Now, judging by responses, I have about, oh, probably four friends. Maybe. Ok, Joe, four and a half. Heh heh heh. Hey, you do spend time poking the bear. That’s worth some points. Oh, can I say that on the internet? It sounds questionable.
But yeah, mostly people make fun of me. I mean, I have a sense of humor, sort of. And honestly, I would make fun of me, too. Except that I would also call or stop by or something. Ok, I would call, because most of my friends don’t live within driving distance. And maybe I wouldn’t stop by somewhere if the injured person’s husband had the cootie-virus of death. So maybe people are giving me perfectly rational responses?
I will say one thing, though. My friend Amy always calls or contacts me when I’m bummed out. I’m not even talking about ready-to-play-in-traffic bummed out, I’m talking about normal every day bummed out. It’s awesome. AND SHE DOESN’T LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY. It costs her like three million billion dollars to call me on the phone, but she does it when I freaking burn the dinner or simply wish I was somewhere else. Because she is awesome.
That is not to say everyone else is not awesome. You are all beautiful and unique snowflakes and I am privileged to know each and every one of you. Even you, creepy stranger on the internet who somehow came upon my site and is internet stalking me now. Even you. (HAH, I should be so famous.) I am just feeling sorry for myself (AND I ADMIT IT) because I’m pissy and I can’t do stuff and my leg muscle is getting smaller after only the first week and my ass is surely getting bigger, and I like to be the center of attention or something. OK, scratch the last part — I like attention but maybe not being the center of it. But I admit it, this is Christine’s pity party. Welcome. I have h’ors d’oeuvres and champagne. Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow, I will certainly have to diet.
Ok, I held out for three days. Maybe that’s a record of some kind.
So what have we learned in 2009, Christine?
Well, Non-specific Writing-Persona Addressee, we’ve learned many lessons in the past year. In no specific order whatsoever:
Craft beer is an exciting and rewarding hobby. It’s also not as difficult to get involved as one might think.
Bi-polar disorder is not to be taken lightly. At the very least, people with bi-polar disorder should be monitored by a counselor and have access to an M.D. psychiatrist when/if necessary. Otherwise, bi-polar patients can find their relationships, financial status, and general well-being rotating rapidly counter clockwise into the giant metaphorical bowl-drain waterway of life. Trust me.
Get some exercise. Even if it’s just a little bit. Every other day is good, and if you can get outside, so much the better.
Beware of those who are so busy pointing out your faults they fail to recognize their own. They probably aren’t your friends. I can’t believe I’m doing this, but … (Matthew 7:3). And yes, it’s slightly out of context to serve my own purposes. When do you ever see a bible quotation that isn’t?
Some people are mostly nice, but that doesn’t mean they won’t try to manipulate you. Be nice back, but don’t let them piss you off so much you cry. It shortens your life, and life is pretty short as it is.
Stop drinking so much, eating so much, and eating so many things that are bad for you. Most of the time, but not all of the time… heheheh. But yes, your mother is right, you’ll feel better.
If at all possible, get a cat or a dog. Why a cat or a dog? Exotics, such as birds and ferrets (hee hee!) cannot leave their cages and choose to hang out with you. Having a critter come and sit with you can sometimes mean the difference between the end of a shitty day and the end of a shitty day with a cat or a dog sitting next to you. The difference here seems infinitesimal, but it isn’t. Again, just trust me.
And so, Christine what do you plan to do about it in 2010?
Non-specific Writing-Persona Addressee, let me tell you, it’s going to be a shorter list with longer asides:
Work on reducing clutter. Clutter isn’t that fabulous, and who really needs all this crap anyway? I can’t believe that my clutter level after Katrina (almost nil) and my clutter level now (don’t get me started) belong to the same person. Let’s see what we can do about it. Brain clutter is included here as well as physical clutter.
Become more involved in bi-polar activism. I don’t know if “activism” is the right word, here, but I want to do something else besides being open about my bi-polar disorder. Oh, you noticed? Well, yes it’s true that I am very open and try to be matter-of-fact about the whole issue, because I’m trying as an individual to help reduce the stigma under which people with mood disorders (and other mental illnesses) labor. Why? Because I think it’s stupid, and it prevents people who really need help from seeking it out. Also, I think the level of awareness regarding mental health patients and what they go through needs to be raised. Once I feel more balanced and healthy, I plan to start volunteering or get involved with a group or organization which propagates these same beliefs.
Brew more beer whenever possible.
Try to think a bit more before opening my big mouth. Yeah, this is about as likely as Halley’s Comet returning before 2061, but I figure I can give it a shot.
So there you have it, kids. Please ensure that the car has come to a complete stop before exiting the ride. Also, for those of you reading via Facebook, MySpace, or LiveJournal, please click “view original post” before commenting if at all possible. That would rock. May you and yours enjoy a prosperous new year, and let’s try not to take ourselves too seriously this time around.
It annoys the piss out of me when people use the question “seriously?” to not-so-subtly criticize other people. No, really. I wish it weren’t becoming so popular: because of the way certain people hardwire when it comes to verbal development, we will be stuck with a whole generation who will continue to speak this way even after the trend dies. (I hope it dies soon.)
The internet and overheard conversations are full of questions these days:
“You’re going to wear that? Seriously?”
“Seriously? You’re thinking of going to law school?”
“Did you seriously just call the bathroom the ‘sandbox’? Seriously?”
But they aren’t really questions. I suppose the idea is to imply that the speaker, instead of being a critical bitch or bastard, is genuinely interested in the other person’s well-being. Not surprisingly, the word is actually being used to question the other person’s competence, judgement, life choices, or taste. “You like those colors for your living room? Seriously?” I find this usage so distasteful that my stomach begins to turn even when the word is relatively benign: “After examining the way Americans prioritized their expenses in the past, we must seriously examine our motivation for spending in the future.” ARGH! Wait — what?
Perhaps it stems from the fact that most people kind of run their mouths without thinking. Probably because we’re all a little guilty of saying things we haven’t thought out properly, instead of telling someone we question their intelligence we want to pretend like we think they’re joking. “You think white gay men enjoy a certain amount of male privilege? Seriously?” “Seriously? You really want to start a charity to buy ski equipment for orphans in Darfur?” “You think people care about your preferences for verbal usage in American English? Seriously?”
I have another idea about how we can respond when those around us do or say something we find questionable, though. Here it is in all its glory: Unless the situation concerns us directly, WE SHOULD SHUT THE FUCK UP. Yeah that’s right, the old “If you don’t have anything nice to say” bit. Holy shit, there’s an idea! Instead of turning up our lips in that junior high white girl sneer, and asking “Seriously?” when someone tells us that they really like pale pink crocheted doilies, we should just smile and clam up. After all, if populating her house with pale pink crocheted doilies fulfills your friend and you truly want her to be happy, your criticism isn’t going to help.
I made a camping checklist in Word format for when I go to the Texas Renaissance Festival and the other smaller camping faires! I am working on making it prettier and making a PDF, but almost all the important stuff is on it, and you can edit it to your liking. Yay! I also have another non-camping one for Scarborough Faire, but I’m going to try and get the PDF edited to my liking first!
So knock yerselves out! It’s free to edit, print, use in however way except in violation of the creative commons licence that this website is published under — i.e., don’t sell it.
I was a longtime fan of Fraggle Rock in childhood, but I don’t remember this episode. Still, this vid’s got three of my favorite things: music, knitting, and muppets! Enjoy.
As some of you may know already (because I emailed you) I have messed up a lot of the contacts on my phone. My phone contained many of your phone numbers, email addresses, and physical addresses. If you think you are one of the contacts I lost, please contact me via email, Facebook, IM, the contact page on my website (www.midnightferret.com for anyone who’s reading a crossposted version of this entry), or telephone and help me replace what I lost. Thanks!
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