I’m a very loyal, fun, and intelligent person, and one can benefit greatly from my company. If you are my friend I will happily drop everything to come to your aid, burn up a quarter tank of gas just to hang out with you for an hour or two, and I will always be genuinely happy to see you. Recently, a friend of mine found out that I was coming to visit a city vaguely in her vicinity (She lives on Cyprus and I was in Athens) and she actually booked a flight and a hotel room just to hang out with me for a day and a half. Not everyone appreciates my friendship that much. Some people don’t appreciate me enough to return my calls or take two minutes to IM me. That problem made me sad for a while. Now I feel that it’s really too bad that some people can make time for others and not for me, but it’s not my loss.  If someone has dropped me for whatever reason, and he or she can condescend to return my calls one day, even just to chat, I’ll be happy to talk or meet up, but I’m not crying over these people anymore. And I’m giving their X-mas presents to someone else who will appreciate them. Neener.

2.  It may not be apparent from the state of my weblog, but I’m an excellent writer. No, really. I’m that good.

I may be a bit too fond of adverbs, but other than that minor issue, I’m quite the wordsmith. I plan to make my writing public in some way within the next year, come hell or high water. I’ve been talking about making money writing all my life. It’s about time I did something about it instead of just wishing and tap-tap-tapping away at my computer keyboard.

3.  The universe is progressing as it should.

It’s ridiculous to get worked up and shorten one’s life over setbacks. I was under the illusion that after the multitude of setbacks I had experienced in my life, not the least of which included “That Bitch Katrina” (as my Aunt Patsy so eloquently puts it), that I was finally “on track” and would be able to control my life and prevent any future setbacks. I thought that because I finally had a plan that nothing and no one would interrupt that plan.  Well, of course I was wrong. Naturally, I was pissed. I was also tempted to do something insane like find religion or get knocked up or something. Luckily, I came to my senses and realized that I will be okay and I don’t have to keep to some crazy self-imposed “schedule.” True, I won’t live forever, but I’ve still got time: I ain’t dead yet.

4. While one may benefit greatly by having a “mentor” or “peer support,” in one’s field, these assets are not absolutely necessary for success.

I can’t say I don’t look at someone who has had a mentor in his or her field without envy. I also admit that while I was never the student who spent large amounts of time in anyone’s office, I sometimes wished a professor would take that much interest in me. I was lucky to have found my thesis advisor at LA Tech who did take an interest, and about three or four fellow students who (hopefully) would be willing to help me with my articles and other writing, but I can’t say I’ve ever really had a consistent mentor or group of interested peers who I was able to see on a regular basis. Did this put me at a disadvantage? Probably. Am I totally at a loss about continuing my education into the PhD level? Definitely. Is there a possibility that without peer support or someone who can direct me during the application and funding process that I might end up entering a program even later than I set out to do? Of course. Am I going to make it anyway? You can bet your ass I will. Will my work be on a par with those who have had a more contiguous education and more direction and mentoring? It will probably be better in some cases. I am damn smart. Fear my analytical skills.

5. I can climb 509 steps and then eat gelato before dinner, all while severely jet lagged.

I can also utilize various forms of transportation requiring multiple connections even after having been awake for 26 hours. Because that’s just how I roll.

I just wanted to say thank you again, Brien, and let you know that you got me really cool stuff. I got an educational book, a movie, and an electronic gadget - ok, a memory card, but it goes inside an electronic gadget. I put them on my Amazon store as the last three items, if you’re curious. But yes, through the magic of Amazon, I was able to get three of my very favorite things.

I’m pretty sure I’ve thank3ed everyone else for graduation goodies, but if I’ve missed you, feel free to berate me by email or even here, (sort of) publicly. I won’t be offended. And then you’ll probably get a thank you note in the mail if I have your address.

And yes, Brien, I could have emailed you, but this way is better: it announces your awesomeness to the world. If that makes you uncomfy, I’ll happily delete this post.

In any case, I’ve been getting out into the world a bit. And I’ve been staying in a bit, too. We had a couple of friends over for the weekend. I made chicken crepes with a sherry bechamel sauce, salad and a lemon ladyfinger dessert. None of it was particularly dietetic, but it was all delicious if I say so myself. I really enjoy cooking, and I am very gratified when I make a dish and people really enjoy it. From a fairly early time in my life, I’ve always wanted every meal I cook to be at least a bit above “average.” Maybe it’s because I’m from New Orleans, but I’ve always appreciated the differences between food, good food, and great food. What’s the point of eating something that’s just “okay?”

I also think I like to cook because it’s kind of a blend between science and artistry. A good cook uses both left-brain and right-brain functions, I’m sure. My husband and I were talking the other evening, and he had a very interesting insight about my personality. He mentioned that I seem to be “at war” within myself because my artistic side and my analytical side are often at odds. I also realized that I’ve been unconsciously suppressing the more artistic side of myself for some time now. I was a little upset at the time, but now I feel better for the added self-awareness. I realize that taking up knitting was also a way for the two halves of my brain to get together, and so is my fascination with glassblowing. I’m pretty excited about the next year; I know it might take some time, but I really want to make opportunities for myself to combine my creative side with my analytical side.

I also think Austin is going to offer a lot of good opportunities in this realm, as well. Our lives are finally starting to solidify here. Speaking of Austin in general, next time I’ve got to tell y’all about a great Chinese restaurant that is across the street from my apartment.

I couldn’t get over the fact that in order for Jekyll to commit acts of brutality and savagery, he had to physically transform into an object of loathing. Everyone who ran into Hyde claimed that not only was he misshapen, but he also had an aura that made people extremely uncomfortable around him.

Now in the book, Jekyll states his reasons for experimenting on himself as being that once he “learned to recognize the thorough and primitive duality of man,” and thinking that because “the nature of [his] life had advanced infallibly in one direction . . . on the moral side,” Jekyll decided that if he could separate the part of him that was infallibly amoral, it would relieve him of that part once and for all. His reasoning was that if his life was infallibly moral, it must follow that there was a part of his subconscious that was infallibly evil, because of the “primitive duality of man.”

This idea got me thinking. What’s the closest thing that comes to mind when one thinks of a man who is fairly upstanding and and all around “good citizen” who changes form on certain occasions and commits atrocities upon his fellows? A Werewolf! Right? Well, that’s what I thought about.

Incidentally, I have to mention that although I intend to (soon) read some actual criticism on the book, I did not immediately head for any of the following essays:

• Karl Miller, “The Modern Double”
• Judith Halberstam, “An Introduction to Gothic Monstrosity”
• Frederic W. H. Myers, “Multiple Personality”
• Norman Kerr, “Abject Slaves to the Narcotic”
• John Addington Symonds, “This Aberrant Inclination in Myself”
• Katherine Linehan, “Sex, Secrecy and Self-Alienation in Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”

Or any other essays that could actually give me a good critical bent on the story. Nope. I read a book about werewolves. Somewhat to my credit, it’s a 19th century case study about werewolves and witch hunts, and it has medical case studies in it as well as rural legends.

Mostly the Book of Werewolves is concerned with people transforming into animals and then committing murder or cannibalism. Again, it is interesting that pretty much up until Jack the Ripper, you don’t see regular, everyday, “nice” looking people chopping up their fellows and/or eating them. It’s always some monstrosity that is somehow outside of society physically who is doing the chopping.

I’ve been chewing on this idea for a couple of weeks but I can’t really get an angle on it. I seem to remember from my Epics class that Autolykos, or “man-wolf,” (Odysseus’s grandfather) was not really “well in” to society - he made a few wrong moves according to Greek societal rules. I would have to dig out my notes.

I may come back to this idea after reading some criticism on Dr. Jekyll and turning it over. I’m sure there’s a lycanthropy connection, but I can’t decide what it means. I’m not just reasserting the “duality,” “hypocrisy,” and “alienation” ideas, although those are all implied in lycanthropy, but I am very interested in the monstrous form and the grotesque and their implications in the 19th century novel.

In any case, I hope you enjoyed the educational section of our programming today. If I have time tomorrow, I’m going to post some more about Austin. I may not get to it, though, because we’re leaving tomorrow night to go to Monroe and will be there for the weekend.

I’m aware that my life lacks a lot of focus. I complain because I don’t reach the “lesser” goals in my life, but I am pretty unfocused and disorganized unless I have something big on the line (i.e. graduate school). I also seem to let some people influence me where I wouldn’t normally be influenced if I were more certain of myself. I feel as if at 31, I really should go ahead and attempt to figure out exactly who I am and exactly what I want. Now, a weblog isn’t really going to help me do this, but if I work on structure and focus in this small way, maybe I can see how it works on a larger scale. In any case, I’d really like to improve my writing in an online medium.

Otherwise, I’ll have to start putting “Verbose and Directionless” beneath my name on my business cards.

Whatever you do, however, if you get the job, please, please PLEASE make sure that the “read more” style jumps actually work. Also, although shinyshiny.tv used to be one of my favorite daily rambles, on each page of multiple entries I am now finding both broken jumps and numerous pronoun agreement errors.

I know, I know. “Picky, picky, snarky whiner!” I can hear you all screaming it. No, really. Get off my lawn. But seriously, I understand the world of constant bloggers even if I am not one myself. The occasional typo that spell check doesn’t catch, a grammar mistake here and there . . . so what? It’s not the end of the world.

Still, I’ll let all five of you, my faithful readers, in on a little secret: I’ve recently applied for a few freelance writing and blogging jobs, and if I get one, I could be actually paid to write. If you think that I will be paid to write something and submit articles containing pronoun agreement errors, you are sorely mistaken. Everyone who is being paid to do a job should do so to the best of her (not their, dammit!) ability. If the writer herself misses an error, then the copy editor should catch it. Both people are being paid to do their jobs, and those jobs include writing for clarity and communication as well as for wit and information. Pronoun agreement errors, among others, disrupt the clarity of the sentences and therefore make the sentence less effective. So errors pretty much ensure that the product the writer is being paid to produce is inferior.

Yeah, I’m a big fat mean bitch. But it’s my blog and my opinion, and no one has to read it. I am just hacked off because I used to be able to read Shiny Shiny and not find two articles in a row with errors in them. Now I find errors fairly often, and it bugs me that even if I lived in the area I couldn’t get such a job.

Yes, I admit jealously plays a part in all snarking. But think about it for a moment: I have experience with Movable Type, Photoshop, and CSS. I have communications experience and a Master’s Degree, and have been writing at a professional level for years. (Not on this blog, obviously, but you get the idea.) However, no one cares about that stuff. People only care if you’ve worked for an online publication before, not if you can make your damn subjects and verbs agree in a simple sentence. And trust me, knowledge of basic grammar rules is not a qualification for journalism majors, according to my experience when I tried to get them to write essays. Go ahead. Call my bluff. Get a newspaper and mark up all the errors. Your paper will be ” black and white and red all over.”

Hah. I actually wrote that. I should go to the lame pun corner and put my nose in it. In any case, I feel better for my rant. I hope I do get one of my piddly local writing jobs. At least then I can put my money where my mouth is and stand up for proper grammar in the media. In fact, maybe I should do penance for my rant by going back and editing all of my previous entries here for grammar, typos, and effectiveness.  Yeah, Maybe tomorrow.

My friend Kevin came over, and the four of us had a great time. We’ve been using the pool a lot lately, and we all went swimming.

We’ve decided to rent an apartment in the same complex as Craig does. The apartments are large for the price, and the amenities are good. Also, they are 4 miles from James‘ work.

Monday, we got our bearings and went to the employment office. Tuesday, James left at 8am and came home at 12:30pm from a job search, having interviewed at his first choice job, AdsLed. By 2:30 we heard from his new boss that he had the job and he would start at 9am Wednesday morning. So the job search is pretty much over. Tuesday evening spent with Kevin, celebrating with drinks at the Spider House.

Now we are beginning our apartment search. So far, we can’t seem to find a place that suits. Of course, we haven’t looked at many places yet, though.

Craig, who has been good enough to put us up for a while, thought I messed up his computer by putting it on a router so I could also hook up wi-fi for us to use. It turned out that his computer thought that when I moved it I had opened the chassis, and he also needed to change the battery in his wireless mouse. Today has actually kind of sucked, but I can’t really get too upset about it.

So much has happened this week that I can’t even put everything into words. I feel like I’ve done and seen many things, but really I haven’t scratched the tip of the iceberg, to mix metaphors. I told James last night that I was feeling anxious, and he replied, “Well, I don’t know why you’d be feeling that way. We’re only in a completely new, larger city, with a totally different lifestyle and we’re living in someone else’s apartment.” I’m lucky to have a man with such a pragmatic outlook on life.

At any rate, I wish I was all high tech and could post cool phone pics here, but I haven’t taken any yet.

I am going to have to see if my cell phone makes noise when I IM . . . no, really. I’m serious. How am I going to get through a 3 hour ceremony, sitting next to people I don’t know, without moral support? The tiny post-Katrina UNO graduation was bad enough, but an insane giant assembly center full of people? How do they expect us to get through that without a drink? Sheesh.

I am now in the format check stages and am ready to print the copies on bond paper. This means that I have to pull more money out of my butt. I am still not sure where the school thinks I get all this money to spend on crap like caps and gowns and 20 lb. bond paper. I also don’t understand why the school makes walking in the ceremony mandatory. I could refuse to participate, but it is actually more difficult to do that than to just go ahead and participate. Can’t I just quietly bask in my own sense of achievement instead of spending 2 1/2 hours in a smelly auditorium watching people I don’t know yammer and prance about? My family wants to come and sit through all of that just to watch me walk (and probably trip) across the stage for 5 seconds.

I only have about 2 1/2 more weeks until graduation. I am sort of wigging out because I’m one of those people who is never really prepared for these events. Also, about two weeks after I graduate, we’re moving to Austin. I am so not prepared for that, either, even though I am excited about it. I really don’t adjust well to life change. Well, actually, maybe I do, but my last major life change (relocation) involved trauma and a great deal of loss. In fact, we’re discovering lately that we may not be fully recovered from that event. I know that many people look at my life and wonder why I am “still going on” about Katrina, but the fact is, a week doesn’t go by when I am not almost physically sick over the event itself and of course, selfishly, its effects on my life. I mourn my pre-Katrina life often, even though in many ways my life is better now than it was then. Insipid, spineless, and self-pitying, I know.

My psych M.D. actually told me that between graduate school stress and leftover Katrina stress, I actually have “post-post traumatic stress disorder.” He actually said that. I doubt it’s a medical term. At the time, I kept thinking that if we didn’t live in a “post-post modern world” I wouldn’t have “post-post traumatic stress disorder.” In any case, I feel like I’m on so many mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, and  tranquilizers that I should be pooping rainbows.  Weird thing is, I’m not. I take tons of crap at night that is supposed to make me drowsy, but I wake up in the middle of the night anyway. Just thinking about it gives me the urge to try and escape, but as I learned last year, I can’t escape myself. Sad, really.

I should feel accomplished and happy now, but I am traitorously feeling anxious instead. I am worried about all sorts of ridiculous things:

I worry that my friends and relations are really tired of me being anxious. I am worried that I won’t able to keep my anxiety, depression, and bizarre desire to flee under control enough to function productively over the next year before entering the PhD program. I’m also stupidly worried that I’m going to have gone through all the trouble and money to get a PhD and then not be able to function productively as a university professor. I’ll be 50 grand in debt and not be able to work… Might as well get “SAD PILE OF LOSER” tattooed on my forehead if that happens. I worry about how ridiculous my worries are. James is always admonishing me to stop worrying and let him take care of things, but he doesn’t seem to understand that he can’t take care of the decisions I am unable to make and my subjective life experiences.

I am really trying to take positive steps and think about these issues constructively. Having to battle my own internal “fight or flight” instincts is really cramping my style. I can only hope that once we get relocated I can just get active enough to channel this crap into positive energy. Or relax more so I don’t explode.