It’s pretty hard to live with an elephant, even one that doesn’t sit on your head. They’re really large. They’re moody. Ok, well, they have moods. In any case, they’re often inconvenient, impossible [...]]]> “Achieving Your Goal, or The Care and Feeding of Your Elephant:  Part Three of How I Fight My Mood Disorder Every Day “

It’s pretty hard to live with an elephant, even one that doesn’t sit on your head. They’re really large. They’re moody. Ok, well, they have moods. In any case, they’re often inconvenient, impossible to ignore, they leave a mess, and boy can they eat! My mood disorder is on a similar scale, and I admit that I occasionally doubt my ability to manage it and still be able to have some semblance of a life.

It’s a sticky situation: if I don’t manage the disorder, I have no quality of life, but if I do manage my disorder, will it take all of my time and energy? Will I have anything left for my family, friends, pets, or hobbies? The short answer is, “Not at first.”

Having More Good Days Than Bad in A Million Easy Steps

There is no simple path to your goal. You can’t do one, three, or five specific tasks a day and achieve mental health. Mental health, similar to physical health, is a lifestyle. If you, like I did, lived for a long time undiagnosed, un-treated, or non-compliant,  getting healthy will be pretty difficult, feel strange, and take a long time. I found myself relieved at first, because feeling anything but bad was so new and wonderful to me. A relatively short time later, however, I began the old “why me?” pattern. Sure, I felt better, but it was so much work. I was on the way to stabilizing but wasn’t there yet, and I was both impatient and at the same time wondering if it was worth it. I have learned, however, that I need to maintain certain habits in order to keep my hard-won mental health.

I used to consider myself a “night owl.” Especially when I was younger, I seemed to be most alert between the hours of five and nine in the evening. Oddly enough, nowadays I feel the most anxious or irritable during those hours. As hard as it can be, I’ve got to maintain a strict sleep schedule. I have to get enough sleep at night and wake up in the daytime. Most humans are programmed to function best in the daytime. I have to grudgingly agree with nature. I also try to get a little sunlight in the morning, too. It helps reset my “internal clock” and let the ol’ bod know that it’s daytime and time to be active. I take my elephant for a walk around the block or sit with him on the porch when I have my coffee. Speaking of coffee:

I try to limit my intake of alcohol, tobacco, and caffeine. Well, I don’t smoke anymore. But these “big three” are all psychoactive drugs. But don’t take my word for it. The Wiki knows all, right? That means that booze, smokes, and that cup of joe are going to affect your mood just like your Prozac. Possibly worse, because you don’t have “doses” of the former, unless your bartender measures your booze in that stupid jigger thing. Switch bars. Seriously, though, depending on the severity of your mood disorder, you probably want to cut back on this stuff or eliminate it altogether. Many is the time I’ve found myself sleepless and remembered that I’ve been pounding down the diet sodas, or feeling really bummed out and realized I had one (or two or three) too many glasses of the old Cabernet the other night. Don’t let your elephant get all boozed up or tweaked up on caffeine! In all honesty, I recommend keeping track of everything you put into your body and then adjusting that according to its effect on your mood. I find that a diet high in sugar, preservatives, and artificial colors and flavors really makes my elephant grumpy.

Another great habit to get into is getting some exercise. That’s right, you and your elephant need to go for a walk or a bike ride a couple of times a week. Exercise releases endorphins, and those endorphins can help with depression. Vigorous activity can also help those of us with a tendency toward anxiety or mania to burn off some of that nervous energy and be more calm. I find that sometimes thirty minutes of exercise can help me feel like I’ve got more organized thoughts and a better outlook on life in general. Exercise makes your elephant happy!

I also have to have a doctor. All the time. Even if I’m not on meds. I have to do so because I’ve found that if I’m not monitored by a qualified professional even after I’ve stabilized, I tend to ignore the signs of relapse, and therefore, I relapse. Hard. Like an elephant doing a belly flop from the high dive. It ain’t pretty.

Most of this stuff sounds like common sense, but the difference between knowing to do something and actually doing it can be huge. For example, everyone knows fast food is pretty bad for us. Still, if we”re not careful, we can find ourselves making excuses, thinking, “This one time won’t hurt.” Great, if it’s one time, but if I find myself saying that often, eventually I’m eating nothing but cheeseburgers! Only feed your elephant cheeseburgers sometimes, not all the time!

My other excuses for not taking care of my elephant include: “But I can’t.” That one’s just silly. Of course I can! “I don’t have time.“ Wait, I don’t have the time to make my own life worth living? I can’t take a few extra minutes to make certain that I get to bed instead of staying up to watch TV? Is Letterman really more important than my health? I don’t have time to cut back on the caffeine if I’m feeling anxious or having trouble sleeping? Sometimes little things like that can mean the difference between feeling a little funky and having a full-blown manic or depressive episode. My episodes almost invariably damage my life, so why wouldn’t I want to do everything I can to prevent or at least lessen their severity? I mean, we are talking about our lives, here!

I’ve also found it helpful to get my elephant a companion. I currently share my apartment not only with my husband and my metaphorical elephant, but also with the world’s greatest cat! Wednesday Addams has been one of the best additions to my life since I got married, and that’s no exaggeration. For those of us with mood disorders, I highly recommend getting a dog or a cat if it is at all possible. Having another living creature for whom you are responsible helps us change focus from the internal to the external world, much as group therapy does. I have to focus on Wednesday’s physical and emotional needs, and that helps keep me from ruminating and obsessing, two of the “danger zone” negative thought patterns for bipolar people. Also, Wednesday’s unconditional love (which I sometimes suspect has a lot to do with stinky canned food) can be a huge comfort to me. I don’t recommend exotics for this purpose, even though I keep a bird and some hermit crabs, too, because the relationship isn’t really the same. Also, I recommend one dog or one cat. Too many animals to care for, and even a “normal” person will find him- or herself overwhelmed with responsibilities, and that’s no good for mental health.

Your path to mental health may be different from mine. Everyone’s elephant is unique and has different needs. Take some time to asses your elephant’s habits and responses to your day-to-day life, then start with some small changes if necessary. Get your friends, family, and your therapist or psychiatrist to help. You won’t be sorry. For whatever reason, we’ve been chosen to keep our respective elephant hats for the rest of our lives. If we want to achieve a real and lasting mental health, we’ll have to make peace with our elephant and learn to care for him. After all, if you’ve got to spend your life with an elephant, you might as well learn to get along.

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When I was 21, I had been in treatment for depression on and off for about six years. At one appointment with my psychiatrist, I told her, “Well, I feel miserable. I feel like something is terribly, horribly wrong, and [...]]]> “Making Peace With Your Elephant: Part Two of How I Fight My Mood Disorder Every Day”

When I was 21, I had been in treatment for depression on and off for about six years. At one appointment with my psychiatrist, I told her, “Well, I feel miserable. I feel like something is terribly, horribly wrong, and I’m so angry and sad I can hardly move. But I know there’s nothing really wrong!”

She looked me straight in the eye and said, “Christine, something is wrong, and it has been for a long time.” I was devastated. I went home and cried for a long time. Even twelve years later, I have trouble with the idea that a mood disorder doesn’t simply mean that your emotions are all “messed up” and your feelings aren’t “all in your head.” What? Of course they’re “all in your head,” because emotions are run by chemicals in your brain! Sure, but that perception is inaccurate: just because your brain chemicals are “messed up” doesn’t mean that your feelings are any less real than anyone else’s feelings!

How to Make Peace With Your Elephant

Take your disorder seriously, and try to get your loved ones to take it seriously, too. Get help if you have to, but you and those close to you must come to an understanding that your mood disorder is a real disease that will not simply disappear one day. Getting this idea into your head and dealing with it can require therapy all by itself. A mood disorder needs to be taken seriously and treated before the person’s quality of life will improve. Also, when depressed or bi-polar people have an episode, their feelings are just as real to them as those of “healthy” people when a loved one dies, when they are in extreme danger, or when they experience a great triumph. Just because a friend thinks you are upset for “no reason” does not mean you don’t have a right to feel upset or you are simply supposed to “turn that feeling off.” That’s impossible.

Sadly, back then I didn’t quite wrap my head around what my doctor was telling me. She was trying to tell me that I needed to face my disorder head on and not only take it seriously, but also take responsibility for my treatment, as well. I did not take responsibility back then, and it was years before I even began to understand what that means!

You might be thinking, “Okay, so I’m sick. Great. Thanks. Now what?” You might also be thinking, “You’re stretching this elephant metaphor a little too far,” but that’s what the comments section is for. Besides, elephants are very large and can be stretched quite far with the correct equipment.

Yes, we’re sick, and yes, we hurt, but I’m sorry to say that we’ve got work to do, y’all! Sure it would be great if we could sit around and pop our pills, experience our horrendous and sometimes embarrassing side effects, and go to therapy all the time and whine about everything or have a breakthrough every once in a while, but that ain’t exactly how it works.

First, you’ve got to want to help yourself, and then you’ve got to step up and do it. Often, especially in the cases of people who have gone undiagnosed or misdiagnosed for long periods of time, people get used to being depressed or bipolar. It’s “comfy,” for lack of a better word. It’s scary to get healthy, and it’s also a lot of work to get healthy and stay healthy. Part of the reason I entitled this piece “How I Fight My Mood Disorder Every Day” is because in order to stay healthy, a person with a mood disorder works for it every day.

It’s much easier to slip into old patterns and be passive about the disorder. Medications not working even after the usual adjustment period? Are you taking them correctly? Really? Then go back to your doctor and tell her so you can both figure out a different plan. Did you lose it and behave badly because you were irritable and in the middle of an anxiety episode? Apologize and offer to make amends. Can’t tolerate your meds because of side-effects? Call your doctor, don’t just stop taking them. Sleeping too much in the daytime? How late did you go to bed last night? Can’t get to sleep at night? Are you exercising? Be honest with yourself! Your doctor cannot help you if you don’t help yourself. You have an active part in your treatment, and that includes doing everything you can to feel better, not just complaining about it when you don’t feel better. You are working toward the goal of having more good days than bad ones, and your doctor, family, and friends are there to help, not to do the work for you.

Keep in mind that the previous “steps” cover a lot of ground: it could take a person with a mood disorder months or years to even get close to what works for him or her in those departments. Still, like a stampede of elephants, we will forge ever onward, trampling everything in our paths.

A mood disorder, much like an elephant, is a large and unmanageable creature that doesn’t tame easily. You need help! Possibly a lot of help! Yep, this is the part in which we discuss “support systems.” A support system is simply a group of people: your doctor, your friends and family, a spouse, a support group, group therapy, or even an online community can all function as a support system or part of one. Many of us with mood disorders have trouble recognizing and/or building a support system because we have often alienated many of the people we really need the most!

And face it, you can’t just walk up to your brother and announce, “You will now be part of my support system. You will be required to help me through all my manic episodes.” Again, it doesn’t quite work that way. Nor does it mean you have to give every person who comes into your life all the gory details of your gooey innards. That, my friend, is called inappropriate personal disclosure, and we all know that person, don’t we? Yeah, we need to not be that person if we can help it.

I personally am still feeling my way through the whole “support system” issue. In the past, I either alienated my friends and family or made poor choices when it came to companionship. Out of all the relationships I developed during my formative years, I have retained only my immediate family, a few close friends, and my spouse (who is a trooper, by the way). Of the few relationships I have left to “choose from,” as it were, even fewer possess the levels of mutual trust required in order to be part of a support system in the traditional sense.

And this “support system” relationship, by the way, is mutual. I can’t call you crying at three in the morning if I am not also prepared to answer the phone for you at three in the morning. You can’t spend an hour on the phone with me telling me how much your mother is messing up your life without expecting me to also call you at some point to tell you I feel like a hair clog in the U-bend of life and enumerate the reasons why. Being friends (or lovers, or family, or married) takes work and energy. You have to be prepared to put that work and energy into your support system if you want to get some back, and that’s tough to do for those of us with mood disorders. Heck, sometimes I think that’s tough for anyone. Sometimes we don’t even have enough energy to decide what to eat for dinner, so how are we supposed do do something difficult like maintain a trusted relationship? The answer to that, as far as I have found, is practice. Practice, and hoping your friends and family are very forgiving people.

So we’ve acknowledged our Elephant Hat, we’ve taken responsibility for it, and we’re getting help dragging it around all the time. What’s next? In short? Rinse and repeat. Every day? Yep, every day. Bummer! Not really. You know how if you exercise regularly (which is good advice, by the way) you get used to it and even come to enjoy it (sort of)? Well it’s the same here. Think of it as mental hygiene. You take care of your mind, and your mind will take care of you, thus helping you achieve your goal of having more good days than bad ones. Remember that goal? In Part Three, we’ll look at some more ideas about achieving that goal, and some tips for the care and feeding of both yourself and your elephant.

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I was originally going to complete my site makeover before I made this post,]]> Or, “How I Fight My Mood Disorder Every Day: An Article in Three Parts”

I was originally going to complete my site makeover before I made this post, but I keep having great ideas about points to make in it. Because of a few conversations I’ve had with more than one friend lately, I think it’s time to get these words out into the world!

I’ve been diagnosed with a mood disorder of one kind or another since 1992 or so, when I was first diagnosed with situational depression due to trauma. In all honesty, I believe that my mood disorder is partially genetic and partially due to repeated life trauma (i.e. both nature and nurture).  Since that time, I’ve been diagnosed with chronic depression, ADHD, and finally bi-polar disorder. Before I was properly diagnosed, and even for a couple of years afterward, I could have been named the poster child for “How Not to Properly Manage Your Mood Disorder.” I abused alcohol, stayed up all night and slept all day, went on and off my medications without advice from my doctor, and was non-compliant with my therapist. I was housebound for six months and ate a terrible diet when I ate at all.  I missed appointments and stopped going to the doctor altogether. I withdrew from my friends and family, couldn’t keep a job, and was actually evicted from my apartment not once, but twice. I actually spent some time living in my car. I seriously considered suicide at least once a day. To this day, part of the reason I lack what other people call a true “support system” is because I couldn’t maintain a decent long term relationship to save my life. More on support systems will come later in this series, by the way.

I have been so high that I really believed some of the stupidest things I’ve ever done in my life were good ideas. I have been so low that I couldn’t see the point of even getting out of bed. I would imagine all of the steps involved: sit up, put your feet on the floor, stand up, walk to the bathroom, turn on the shower, step into the shower… I just couldn’t actually complete any of the steps. I was secretly convinced I was going to hell for an entire year, even though I wasn’t sure I believed in any hell but the one I was living. In 2007, I spent a month seriously convinced that I was the victim of demonic possession. I was accepted into every one of the PhD programs I applied for with funding and assistantships, but I couldn’t go because I was so depressed I was sure I wouldn’t be able to do quality work. This list could go on forever.

If you’ve come this far with me, you may be wondering, “But what does all of this have to do with me? And more importantly, what does all of it have to do with elephants? You promised elephants!”

I was talking to a friend of mine who also suffers from a mental illness and she expressed her frustration with the lack of understanding that her family and friends sometimes exhibit when she is having problems. Sometimes they behave as if they expect her to “shake it off,” which anyone with a mood disorder can tell you is next to impossible. In a moment of empathy, I said to her, “Well, it’s easy for someone to tell you to get out of bed when they don’t understand that for people like us, getting out of bed involves first chewing through the leather straps and then removing the elephant that’s sitting on your head before you can even think about getting up.”

She laughed and told me that that was exactly how she felt. Imagine having to expend energy like that before you can even start your day, and then sometimes that day is filled mostly with despair and hopelessness.  Or you’re so wound up you can’t even sleep in the first place, and then you’re too tired during the day to get up and do anything.

If you have a mood disorder, you’re probably all too familiar with these feelings. So how do you get that elephant off your head? The shelves at the bookstore are full of titles like “Beat Your Depression!” and “Four Superfoods to End Mental Illness,” but the fact is most sufferers of mood disorders will fight their illness for life. There is no way to beat your depression, bi-polar disorder, or other mood disorder.

So if you can’t get the elephant off your head, what do you do with it? In order to fight your mood disorder, you must first make peace with your elephant.

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Okay, I am now able to offer Homemade Authentic King Cakes to those of you living out of the Austin Area! If you are in Austin, of course, I can deliver one to your [...]]]> UPDATE: If it isn’t obvious, Carnival Season is over. It’s now Lent, so you should be depriving yourself. Try again next year!

Okay, I am now able to offer Homemade Authentic King Cakes to those of you living out of the Austin Area! If you are in Austin, of course, I can deliver one to your door! If you are living outside of Austin and still crave a cinnamon and sugary, butter-briochety, Mardi Gras fabulous King Cake lovingly fashioned by the two hands of YOURS TRULY, then listen up!

I can ship them priority mail for $10.00! Each one gets its own cute USPS box and everything! If you live out of town, and want to pay by PayPal, hit the buttons underneath what size you would like:

Small King Cake  $25

Large King Cake $40

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As many of you know, [...]]]> This post should function as sort of a catchall cover letter. I am hoping that someone I know will read it and think “Oh wow, we were just talking about how we needed someone to do this job and Christine would be perfect for it!” Yes, today, I am an optimist.

As many of you know, I do have a Masters’ Degree in British Literature. I wrote a fifty page thesis, which is a testament to my organizational skills, editing skills, and ability to produce work to the specifications set by a committee. I also have an extensive IT background, including a period of time spent as a one-woman small business, where I provided IT solutions for individuals and companies.

The upshot is that I am flexible and capable of performing a variety of functions. I can work well with a group of people, but I can also take initiative and make decisions within the scope of said initiative. Research? No problem. I spent years doing research and I enjoy it. My experience as both a student and a teacher means that I can find information, process that information, and present it in almost any format you wish. I can learn, and I can learn quickly.

I am also perfect for any position in which it is essential to see the larger picture. Often, operations are interrupted when one department doesn’t realize that the company functions as a whole, not just as a loose grouping of departments. I like to see how the different parts of a company function together, even if some departments don’t directly affect me, so I am always aware of my part in the greater scheme of things.

As for concrete qualifications, I have advanced computer and IT skills, including Windows, Linux, and Mac experience. I am familiar with small business networking and internet applications, workstations, and peripherals. I am also experienced with a variety of software applications, including the Microsoft Office Suite and Star Office. I have produced websites and technical manuals, and I have created and implemented ten week and full-semester syllabuses. I can evaluate groups of people using exams and assignments, both in person or using online educational software. I can organize information for legal trial preparation, and I have helped with billing and also with implementing an office filing system. I am comfortable with speaking in front of groups of people, and as an educator I had to assume a position of authority.

Please contact me if you feel that I could benefit your company or business with any of these skills. I am available full-time, part-time or on a contract basis. If you need an office coordinator, corporate trainer or someone to brush your employees up on business writing, I’m your woman. If you need a network administrator, legal assistant, or Master’s level editor, look no further. If you have a position that defies description but calls for professionalism, organization, and communications skills, definitely give me a call. I would love to talk to you about how we could help your business together!

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So what have we learned in 2009, Christine?

Well, Non-specific Writing-Persona Addressee, we’ve learned many lessons in the past year. In no specific order whatsoever:

I’m aware that my life lacks a lot of focus. I complain because I don’t reach the “lesser” [...]]]> I’ve decided to try something new with my website. Instead of posting random blather in a stream of consciousness style, I’m going to keep to a regular schedule and post about specific things. Novel idea for me, no?

I’m aware that my life lacks a lot of focus. I complain because I don’t reach the “lesser” goals in my life, but I am pretty unfocused and disorganized unless I have something big on the line (i.e. graduate school). I also seem to let some people influence me where I wouldn’t normally be influenced if I were more certain of myself. I feel as if at 31, I really should go ahead and attempt to figure out exactly who I am and exactly what I want. Now, a weblog isn’t really going to help me do this, but if I work on structure and focus in this small way, maybe I can see how it works on a larger scale. In any case, I’d really like to improve my writing in an online medium.

Otherwise, I’ll have to start putting “Verbose and Directionless” beneath my name on my business cards.

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I am now in the format check stages and am ready to print the copies [...]]]> Ok, so perhaps some of you have noticed the MA Thesis progress bar has advanced to 100%. That effect is due to the fact that on April 8 (only 3 weeks ago!) I defended and passed. Suddenly I are an authority.

I am now in the format check stages and am ready to print the copies on bond paper. This means that I have to pull more money out of my butt. I am still not sure where the school thinks I get all this money to spend on crap like caps and gowns and 20 lb. bond paper. I also don’t understand why the school makes walking in the ceremony mandatory. I could refuse to participate, but it is actually more difficult to do that than to just go ahead and participate. Can’t I just quietly bask in my own sense of achievement instead of spending 2 1/2 hours in a smelly auditorium watching people I don’t know yammer and prance about? My family wants to come and sit through all of that just to watch me walk (and probably trip) across the stage for 5 seconds.

I only have about 2 1/2 more weeks until graduation. I am sort of wigging out because I’m one of those people who is never really prepared for these events. Also, about two weeks after I graduate, we’re moving to Austin. I am so not prepared for that, either, even though I am excited about it. I really don’t adjust well to life change. Well, actually, maybe I do, but my last major life change (relocation) involved trauma and a great deal of loss. In fact, we’re discovering lately that we may not be fully recovered from that event. I know that many people look at my life and wonder why I am “still going on” about Katrina, but the fact is, a week doesn’t go by when I am not almost physically sick over the event itself and of course, selfishly, its effects on my life. I mourn my pre-Katrina life often, even though in many ways my life is better now than it was then. Insipid, spineless, and self-pitying, I know.

My psych M.D. actually told me that between graduate school stress and leftover Katrina stress, I actually have “post-post traumatic stress disorder.” He actually said that. I doubt it’s a medical term. At the time, I kept thinking that if we didn’t live in a “post-post modern world” I wouldn’t have “post-post traumatic stress disorder.” In any case, I feel like I’m on so many mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, and  tranquilizers that I should be pooping rainbows.  Weird thing is, I’m not. I take tons of crap at night that is supposed to make me drowsy, but I wake up in the middle of the night anyway. Just thinking about it gives me the urge to try and escape, but as I learned last year, I can’t escape myself. Sad, really.

I should feel accomplished and happy now, but I am traitorously feeling anxious instead. I am worried about all sorts of ridiculous things:

I worry that my friends and relations are really tired of me being anxious. I am worried that I won’t able to keep my anxiety, depression, and bizarre desire to flee under control enough to function productively over the next year before entering the PhD program. I’m also stupidly worried that I’m going to have gone through all the trouble and money to get a PhD and then not be able to function productively as a university professor. I’ll be 50 grand in debt and not be able to work… Might as well get “SAD PILE OF LOSER” tattooed on my forehead if that happens. I worry about how ridiculous my worries are. James is always admonishing me to stop worrying and let him take care of things, but he doesn’t seem to understand that he can’t take care of the decisions I am unable to make and my subjective life experiences.

I am really trying to take positive steps and think about these issues constructively. Having to battle my own internal “fight or flight” instincts is really cramping my style. I can only hope that once we get relocated I can just get active enough to channel this crap into positive energy. Or relax more so I don’t explode.

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